Sunday, November 13, 2016

Pain that is love ❤️

Being in love is experiencing pain
Pain that doesn't die out
Even when love does.

Monday, November 7, 2016

Ghalib got it so right!!!

Mohabbat me nahi hai farq jeene aur marne ka
Usi ko dekh kar jeete hain, jis kaafir pe dum nikle. 


Think of it, there really is no difference between the feeling of longing for someone or a low that descends on you when depressed. Only silver lining is perhaps the fact that you can do wishful thinking while pining away and make it enjoyable (in a masochist kind of way).

Sunday, October 9, 2016

Essence of Sadness

Nothing is sad till its over
Then everything is

- Dr Who

Tuesday, July 19, 2016

More than a decade

Has been more than a decade
Wheels were set in motion
Life was to be lived
Love was to be won
Norms had to be broken
I wasn't alone, or was I
couldn't get out unscathed
yet lived on, for better or worse

now all I want is to be in the moment
scared to feel, scared to fall
constantly on guard
loss makes one understand
the true nature of yearning
and vividness of regrets
and desperateness for a time machine
and finally acceptance dawns
yet the loss is still so real
in the nightmares that visit
wake up soaked in sweat
crying and heaving still

If I could apologize, I would
If I could burn the world
I would
If I could forgive myself
I should


Monday, June 20, 2016

Prayer

Wish I could cry out loud
All I want is to cry
To let the cathartic wave engulf me
Tears they don't flow any more
If only I could shed a few
All the low stacked up
Wants to ebb over and flow
If only it could have the passage

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

SAPPY

Some days, they are exceptionally bad
today being one
I know why I am low
but don't see a point to it

all I can do is listen to Sappy and feel more low.

He'll keep you in a jar,
And you'll think you're happy...
He'll give you breathing holes,
And you'll think you're happy...
He'll cover you with grass,
And you'll think you're happy...  

Friday, May 20, 2016

Such is life

To weave a story, where there is none
A malady, an anomaly
but life is such

Tuesday, March 15, 2016

फूँक दे

This songs reverberates so well with what I feel right now. 



जब नशा टूटता है 

कितने टुकड़े गिरे हैं

होश चुनने लगे हम 

हम भी क्या सिर फिरे हैं 

लब पर जल रही है 

वो बात फूँक दे 

होंठों से रात की 

यह राख फूँक दे 

हयात फूँक दे

हवास फूँक दे 

साँस से सिला हुआ लिबास फूँक दे। 



~ankit
_____________
sent from mobile

Monday, February 8, 2016

life as I want it

craziness should abate
life should get to normal
stoic me should prevail
don't need love
don't need malice
enough of mediocrity
no bleeding hearts
may the gushing stop
like a soft putty I shall mold
and then in inferno I shall burn
to come out strong and tall
won't give in
won't let go of life as I want it

Thursday, February 4, 2016

Yearning

Soar up in the sky
leave the horizons behind
venture into the void beyond
it feels a lot like one inside of me
vast expanse of nothing
bogged down by inconsequential tidbits
but they tease me and make me yearn
make me want to want some more
beyond the first star
the second and the third
the count goes on
lost in near infinity
trying to find my way home
where is home
it used to be here but no more
it used to be there but no more
an acid trip to get back home
to get back to the love and the pain
move on now, says ground control
there is nothing to move on to
says the voice in my head
traces of a dream linger on
she had revealed the intimate secret
I saw her with vermilion
didn't register it was for me
saw two boys and a happy extended family
like heaven that would never be
and then it fades to oblivion
still fighting demons I fought
trying to be strong when I am not
brave when I am not
feet primed to run
I am rooted to the vision
a lonely oddball among stars
no unsolicited love
no solicited sorrow
just plain abstract agony
and emotions too strong
emptiness inside me that yearns
and yearns and yearns some more

Reach out

Sometimes you reach out to share, share how you feel, how everything seems futile, how you are losing the battle of sanity, how you would like to be.
Sometimes this is all one can do.
and most times there is no one to reach out to

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

यहीं कहीं ज़िंदा हूँ अभी

यहीं कहीं ज़िंदा हूँ अभी 

तुझे देखे की ख़ातिर शायद

दिल की धड़कने टूटी नहीं 

आँखों की आस भी बाक़ी है 

शायद एक दिन तू मिल भी जाए

साँस का रुकना बाक़ी है अभी

सुबह को तेरी याद, रात को तेरी फ़रियाद

हाथ बढ़ाऊँ और छू लूँ तुझे 

यह ख़्वाब भी बाक़ी है अभी 

सीने में समा पायें

सब अरमान बाक़ी हैं अभी 


यहीं कहीं ज़िंदा हूँ अभी 

तेरे मिलने की उम्मीद मैं शायद 


Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Gold at the end of rainbow

I see you, in every breath I take
sitting next to me
oblivious of my pain
like a veiled dagger
piercing my soul
that embarrassed smile
those bright eyes
play that we make
things that I do
thoughts I wish I could project
to embrace you to oblivion
die next moment
nothing unique
nothing new
peak of intensity though
didn't know I could feel it again
was safe and forgotten wasn't I
melancholy but sane
low but balanced
broken but trudging along
lonely, yes a lot
like an acid trip kicking in
you make all this beautiful, yet unbearable
wish I could cry
tears, they dried up long time back
infatuations don't last they say
mine do and don't go away
please be gone
let me breathe easy again
let me not know what i miss
let me not worship the idea of you
cause notions are all I have chased
and none had gold at end of rainbow


Motive

Why is love so hard
why does love change at all
why do we yearn 
why is silence a premium
why do we find ourselves tied
why oh why
when life is but a fleeting moment
all you stand for will turn to dust
years from now no one will know
no one will bother
why can't we be the way we want to be
desiring someone with all you have
missing someone will all you are worth
lovers all done and gone
lovers to be in waiting
it is not that my love is fickle
I just feel and want to live a bit more
to possess someone is fleeting
to catch that fleeting moment
and live a lifetime in it is the motive

Friday, July 3, 2015

Numb


I just want to numb the pain, thats all

don't mean to run, don't mean to hide

don't want to hurt, don't want to be found out

don't want a high, don't want a low

I just want to numb the pain, thats all



dreams, they make the loss so real

relived I have, over and over

the agony I can't share

the truth I cannot speak

the love I cannot expect

the loss I cannot accept

and the pain goes throbs on

I can't think of anything else



I just want to numb the pain, that's all

Bright Side


Bemoan the fate as you will
the emptiness would still eat you away
futility of existence and facade of importance
the glitter of attention and tears of oblivion
loath of loneliness and fear of attention
no one can feel you, no one can understand
people would claim they do
but don't you pretend otherwise

An emotional mess, a tangled self
the inner calm when you embrace the death
to be part of someone's final journey
to bathe them and dress them 
and then offer them to fire
the calm you saw on the face
the lifeless body of an illustrious man
some mourn, some pay respect
all move on, life is death

Nothing is static, not even misery
a lot is gained and all is lost
the material you possess
the dress you like
the expensive gold watch 
and that beautiful sapphire
your favourite son, your beloved daughter
your loving wife and all your lovers
strings holding you down
strings waiting to be snapped

look at the bright side though,
there is none

Sunday, September 28, 2014

Dope Rambling

After a very long time, I am stoned again, and ready to my mind wander. I am going to let it wander while I stay oddly unmoved, in the centre of it all. It is as if I can suspend ego and think like a human. a fair human if you may. Yet again I start building the illusions of grandeur, but the current "state of being" doesn't let me do that. It strips me to bones, my bones, bare bones. Bones that are naked with the shallowest and the basest of of human emotions on display. It reduces me to the animal in me. And strangely I can empathise with my ugly self, but I know that this is not it.

I know that something better can happen and will happen. Isn't it odd, that egoless state is hopeful? but perhaps not. Think of it. Ego has not really succeeded in getting what it wants, ever. one always had to pay the "big" price for ego, so ego has to be cynical. It is existential for ego to be cynical. A rising star, in early stages of "the rising", might have had a positive and hopeful ego. But I ain't one. So for me, cynical is a survival tool. But if I can let go of ego and let it be, I can be positive and hopeful.. And that is the space I want to be at right now. Ego is a tricky thing though. The reason of having an ego is perhaps to encourage survival. Survival against barbaric world. Some day, when the world has ceased to be barbaric, else extinct, our present ego will be a relic of our animal past. The ego on display then would be far more complex. To be alive and conscious will have a very different meaning. It would not be about survival, but about harmony. I think true objectivity might then be possible. But not today, not tomorrow, eons must pass before that could happen, i.e. if we survive.

Ok mind, now canter off to some new quest. Find me something to think of, Find me something profound yet very intuitive. Such that the answer is staring at us, yet we fail to see.

I believe earth has gone to ruins multiple times and there is no way to say how-many-times-and-how. Everything on earth eventually gets recycled. Each chunk of land is sent back to core, to be forged again as a virgin land. All the material is broken down to elemental state churned inside out. The oldest of life forms, which by the way, might have been more advanced than us, won't have a trace left. Time is immaterial to a dirt ball called earth. It existed before us and hopefully it will exist long after us.

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Woven by life to stay alive




Strange dreams a strange bearings
not sure if it is good bad or ugly
waking up disoriented
coming from a world far removed
people I once knew
people I once cared about
all had become strangers
the void within screaming out loud
love lust passion, all lost
just this thing with hope though
it doesn't know death yet

Hope of warmth was there
Hope of peace at last
hope of forgiveness,
from me, of me, for me.
Hope that dreams can be realised
hope that life is special
hope that hope will survive

All mirages, all facades
woven by life to stay alive

Monday, August 4, 2014

Who am I to ask

Oh the fine feeling of despair
hits in again and makes me take note
of all that is lost and all that will be
nothing static yet all in circles
what has come to pass will happen again
and again and again and again
hard to let go tougher to fight
oblivion is not so easy any more
paradise in waiting
and I float on clouds
oh wait, is it that hangover again
hangover of a high
a low that creeps up unawares
and draws the last ounce of your soul
no soul, no hope, no deliverance
just a sadness beyond comprehension
sit and stare at walls
or star outside the window all you want
this will not pass
and if it does, it will come back again
in circles
more like spiral
each subsequent one drawing you deeper in misery

How long can a man be lost
who am I to ask…...

Sunday, July 6, 2014

Dwandh

अगर मैं यूं ना होता, तो भी क्या होता
अगर मैं बेचैन न होता तो भी क्या चैन होता
अगर मैं उदास न होता, तो भी क्या खुश होता
अगर अभी ज़िंदा न होता, तो भी क्या आराम होता
यूं सोचना इन सब के बारे मैं
कोई काम होता, तो भी क्या मैं बेकार होता?

पश्चाताप न करूँ तो मैं बुरा पश्चाताप करूँ तो उदासीन
उदास रहूँ तो बेरुख, खुश रहूँ तो आनन्दभोगी
कोई संतुलन नहीं इस जीवन मैं
सब या तो काला या सफ़ेद
क्यों अपने आप को इंसान मानने को मैं तैयार नहीं
क्यों अपने से यह द्वन्द्ध

Monday, April 7, 2014

The thought that I want to write about cannot be written about.
It is not fair to be this way. It is not a just world though.

emptiness, come devour me now
i want to be empty, of everything
all emotions purged
all dead forgotten
stoic, still, peace let me be


nothing should touch me
nothing should move me
no anger to yield
no love to possess

beyond material
beyond time.

peace let me be
peace let me be

Tuesday, February 11, 2014



It is always a struggle to forget
always a struggle to remember
always a struggle to be real

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Tiredness

I am tired of my rants
like a millions hammers 
pounding away in my brain
constant chatter drowns sanity
expectations love and affection
comfort insecurities and misadventures
regrets lost and found
a million lives not lived
what could be and what is
hauntings and remembrances
shadows looming large on today
today that is not perfect
perfection that is just in mind
mind on verge of lunacy
constant screams drowned
in the agonizing void
void that is my life

I am tired, very tired

tears they have a mind of their own
roll down when you least expect
open your soul to strangers
strangers that glare
stay in dark away from glare
tucked in blanket of oblivion
lost and lonely yet sane
lost and lonely yet sane

Friday, November 30, 2012

Everything seems fake
each day a new low
don't know if I am riding a wave
or it is a crest I have fallen into
questions that need answers
questions that don't have answers
answers that make me squirm
answers I am not sure of
and while this happens
i sink into a new abyss
light is rushing away
darkness engulfs
It is cold too
and my body feels broken
No soul left in me
no warmth to give any more

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Caustic Tongue
Lash lash lash
Who are you
Bang bang bang
Low esteem
Am better than you
Low confidence
I will demolish you
I love you
My pound of flesh

Monday, November 26, 2012

Heer - Jab Tak Hai Jaan - Translation

I am in love with the song..
Cannot stop listening.

Heer Ranjha and Mirza Sahibaan are love stories from Punjab.

no connection between two :-) 

now the song or at least my interpretation.

Heer thinks she is in love with Ranjha but discovers that she is actually Mirza's Sahiban.
In other words it is a song of discovering that your heart beats for someone else.
In ways it is about the deep wish to fight fate and following hearts desire.

but above all it is a beautiful love ballad, heart rendering music and deep deep lyrics.

Heer Heer na akho odiyo, Main te Sahibaan hoyi,
Khodi (Mare) leke aaye le jaaye, Khodi leke aaye le jaaye,
Le jaaye Mirza koi, Le jaaye Mirza koi

Don't call me Heer, I am but Sahiban
May he come and take me away
May some Mirza come my way


Ohde je hi main te oh mere varga,
hansda ae sajra sawere varga,
ankha bandh kar la te thande hanere varga

I am like him and he like me
When he laughs he ushers in bright morning
when he closes his eyes he is like cool of night.


ohde je hi main te o Mirza mere varga
I am like him and he like me

Naal naal tur na te vith rakhna
hadd rakh lena wich dil rakhna,
chhanve chhanve paawe assi teri parchhawe tur na

Lets walk together but keep some distance
Lets keep our hearts in that distance
but lets walk together even if it is walking as your shadow.





As well be Dead


Surrounded by darkness
Venom of retribution
Closed doors, empty corridors
No trespassing
No sacred earth
Just a no man’s land
Every step fraught in minefield
Nothing escapes the watchful eye
Nothing spared off memory
All transgressions etched in time
Void of story, just the basic facts
Unrelenting judgment
Unforgiving hatred
Halfhearted compromises
Missing touch

As well be dead
As well be dead

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Blank

Voices in my head
they don't heed to me anymore
have a life of their own
and me as a slave
critique everything I do
fight over each small detail
perspectives and bitter hurt
and they keep it alive
keep rambling
keep mumbling
keep ranting
For a second all is silent
and then the racket returns
YOU ARE A LOSER
WILL ALWAYS BE TAKEN FOR RIDE
WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE
THINK ABOUT YOURSELF MAN
THE GUILT YOU FEEL IS YOUR UNDOING
I AM SO SORRY MAN
I WISH I COULD CHANGE PAST
I WISH I CAN CHANGE PRESENT
I WANT TO BREAK FREE NOW
NOBODY OWNS YOU
NOBODY CARES
THERE IS NO LOVE HERE
THERE IS NO PEACE TO BE HAD
LET GO LET GO LET GO
BULLET THROUGH HEAD
WHY FIGHT, FOR WHAT FOR WHOM
IT IS OVER MAN, WHEN WILL YOU NOTICE
BE A MAN AND TAKE CONTROL
YOU WUSS, GO FUCK YOURSELF
YOU CAN DO BETTER
YOU DESERVE BETTER
I DON'T BELONG
I DON'T BELIEVE
I FEEL LONELY
THINK POSITIVE
THERE IS NOTHING LEFT TO THINK
CIRCLES, YOU GO IN CIRCLES
YOU BET ON WRONG PEOPLE
I WANT TO DIE
I WANT SOME PEACE
YEAH RIGHT, YOU COWARD
YOU BLOODY NO GOOD PIECE OF WRETCH
WHY DON'T YOU JUST DIE
close my eyes
try to usher in some sanity
try to think something good and warm
and all i hit is a blank
blank as a desert
blank as the void that fills cosmos
blank as my life has become
blank as the mind wants to feel

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Happy Diwali

After a long hiatus, I think I am ready to write again.
and hopefully this time around I will make sure that I keep coming back to write.

Have seen pretty much everything there is to see in life. Last 11 years have been a journey for self realisation and discovery. Lost a lot and gained a lot. All in all a much wiser and mellowed down version of me is writing this post today.

Back from dead, hope to stay this way.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Many happy returns of the day

Wish you all the happiness and luck this 31st year of your life :-)