Chains of Solitude

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2012-01-20T20:16:00.000+05:30

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"A corner in the house. "

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Many happy returns of the day

2011-07-13T13:14:00.000+05:30

Wish you all the happiness and luck this 31st year of your life :-)

Good bye, Blue Sky!!

2011-05-12T21:35:00.000+05:30

Another phase another life
Time to lift up my wares
Move to the next fair
Like a true vagabond
Gained nothing, lost some
Chanced upon sacred earth
Though someone else’s
Committed sacrilege
Though never believed
Expected the world
Fell on my face
Another day another place
Another face another phase

Allure of solitude lies in it being perennial.

Broken

2011-05-01T13:07:00.001+05:30

Broken into a hundred little pieces

broken hope

broken lies

broken highs

Happiness

2011-03-06T15:40:00.006+05:30

Playing with perspectives, I lost the original one
Lost the hope of ever finding it even
and then I saw it coming back to me
like a slow motion capture
of moments gone by
I could see what it meant to be happy
I have juggled perspectives
but not lived my own
in quest to understand
I have let the experience slip by
pre-occupied with black and white
I ceased to believe in greys
I trying to be human
I forgot the essence of humanity
am happy and content for a change.

Allure of Solitude

2010-12-31T21:19:00.000+05:30

I seem to be doing something wrong
cannot get the hang of it
perhaps too desperate for good things
perhaps a bit naive as always
I have begin to expect I guess
the evil that expectations are
was untouched by them for some time
not prepared for the invasion
"protect yourself", screams out each pore
and yet I don't heed to warning
and plunge deep into treacherous currents
I deserve it, me thinks
for forgetting my own saying

"Allure of Solitude lies in it being perennial"

Scarlet is the color of choice

2010-11-16T00:17:00.000+05:30

scarlet were you when I saw you
scarlet were your eyes
scarlet was rage in you
scarlet was desire
scarlet was the passion
the blood that gushed was scarlet too

Barnacles, thousands of blistering barnacles !!

2010-11-04T17:40:00.001+05:30

Sitting at Pondi seafront, I saw some stones, partially submerged in
water. They had marine growth on them. This made me think of Barnacles
and the challenge they face to the sea faring vessels. Then I
questioned myself "why the hell do you know about barnacles" and
realized I read a book marine vessel maintenance as a kid.
I used to love book fairs. But didn't have money to spend buying
books. At best I would have 5-20 INR. Russian books were the coolest
stuff I could lay my hands on.
Choice of books was not decided by interest, but by how much it costs
and how big/thick it is. A bigger book presumably had more to offer.
It was in one such fair that I picked up my book about barnacles.

Had a big grin on my face when I concluded this chain of thought.

Happy Diwali

2010-11-04T09:44:00.000+05:30

My blog I miss thee

2010-10-09T01:36:00.000+05:30

Nothing reminds one of the blog than a bad day. I have had my share of bad days and today was another one I could add to the list. Started normally, but then somewhere it just went downhill and I for one did not try to recover. I let the whirlwinds of misfortune engulf me and stoke my fire of discontent.

Opened up to someone, felt embarrassed about the same. Got lectured by a few, did not feel anything about it. Was mistook, but did not care, gave it back in kind. Was rejected, felt bad, but decided not to let my guard down.

Simple asks, small expectations and none of them can be met.

Hope to have a better day tomorrow.

In search of belief

2010-05-30T22:16:00.001+05:30

Sore with discontent
Oblivion beckons
Fade out or live long
Perhaps not an option
Choices are illusions
Life a big lie
Return to innocense
Most desired
Loath and anguish
No logic to talk about
Haze of negativity
Call it depression
Yet it is life still
No pride no prejudice
Just an unflinching death wish
Nothing to hang on to
Or so it seems
Can this all end please
Cannot watch the re-runs again
Cannot see the downward spiral
Cannot live without belief
Cannot make room for belief as well.

Animal Within

2010-01-15T19:23:00.002+05:30

Am an animal

a pig, an ape, a wolf

satiating the instincts, is all I seek

then I wear the robe of intellect

and have a mental fuck.

Welcome 2010

2009-12-30T22:48:00.000+05:30

White tiger

2009-09-12T16:28:00.002+05:30

I can understand why people didn't like White Tiger. Why there was so much of criticism, you know the lieks of "this is meant for western audience" "he is selling it to the world" and such crap.

But I loved the book. It takes gumption to look into the mirror and take account of reality as it exists.

I can relate to the world of Balram, I can see his dilemmas can feel his pain and his eventual breakdown to freedom.

Only V S Naipul can be more scathing of the "Indianness" that surrounds us.

Must read I must say.

The Road

2009-07-30T18:02:00.002+05:30

I have been reading "The Road" by Cormac McCarthy. Simply put one of the most disturbing books I have read in a long time. I am a cynic, my flavor of cynicism is "Cynical optimism", but this book stomps out any faint ray of hope I might have with regards to Humanity.

We humans are so frail and our social morality to fickle, that a single catastrophe can make all the accomplishments of human race fall like a house of cards.

There is no collective vision. We lack ideals, we are too busy surviving. When people talk about environmental issues I get pissed off, Environment is not a concern at all. Nature was there and will always be there, it will re-surface, re-mutate, re-evolve. We humans are doomed. There is no question about the impending doom. and no environment is not going to make us fall.

Let one catastrophe befall us, like a comet strike, or a foolish zealot launching a nuke, and you will see us break the thin fabric of humanity and become animals. We will rape/kill/eat each other.

No there is no hope.

Even without the catastrophe we are so close to being animals. how many liberals do you know? how many people in your circle support gay rights? how many people in your circle see religion as a propaganda? how many of you believe that humans are essentially good? How many can rise above individual concerns? Do we even believe in heroes? Is there a universal truth we all adhere to?

Freud says that eminent sense of danger makes people hypocrites. You know what, we are all hypocrites. We lie and we cheat and we loath ourselves. Or we live in oblivions.

Nothing can help us, Nothing...

Kya Haasil

2009-06-12T13:48:00.005+05:30

kya haasil hai yun zinda rehkar

inteha ki ummeed baaki hai jo

khwaishon ko ummeed ki nazr kar

diwangi main mashroof hain hum

bemisaal hai is shehar ka manzar

har koi tanha is bheed main gum hai

dhoondta hun khud ko sare bazaar

jab ki bik chuka hai har ik zarra mera

Pink Noise at Kyra

2009-06-06T21:20:00.001+05:30

Wet Dreams

2009-05-30T21:30:00.001+05:30

Cityscape

2009-05-04T13:17:00.001+05:30

Lone Flower

2009-05-04T13:15:00.001+05:30

Cloudy Bangalore

2009-05-04T13:13:00.001+05:30

Why not

2009-04-13T20:28:00.000+05:30

Sometimes I seek vengeance

And I know it is easy to achieve

Am so tempted to burn the gold city

To unleash unforgiving fury

Not so much for realization to dawn

But for pure sadist pleasure of mine

To make things fair in perspective

But the third eye still remains shut

And the venom stuck in the throat

Green green in CBD

2009-04-06T00:18:00.002+05:30

In love with Bangalore

2009-04-06T00:17:00.001+05:30

Bangalore never ceases to amaze me. This is an abandoned house on St.
Marks road. Am sure a big high rise will come up here shortly. Enjoy
it till it lasts.

Khatauli

2009-03-23T11:26:00.001+05:30

Somewhere while crossing khatauli.

Selling water???

2009-03-23T07:33:00.000+05:30

Let me be

2009-03-21T00:58:00.003+05:30

Quite frankly I am tired. Of what, I don't even want to ponder. My fibromyalgia has not improved wee bit and right now am in middle of another flare up. Am tired of people who proclaim understanding, I am tired of all the phonies. Am tired of thinking about stuff that is beyond my control, and no I refuse to entertain and please anyone. Anyone at all. I am trying to be cold, so if that is what you think I have become, I am succeeding. I have had enough of unpleasant situations and people exhorting me to face them. No I refuse to be part of any stupid discussion, no matter how desperate one might feel about it. I cannot assuage people and refuse to indulge in this perversion. I live for myself and yes I am the asshole whole world warned you about. So just let me be and go burden someone else with your meaningless rhetoric.I am trying to cope with my illness and I don't rely on anyone to ease it for me, am not fishing for anything, no empathy no sympathy, not even acceptance of any sort.Just leave me alone and let me be.I don't owe anyone anything, nor do I expect anything.

Brigade Road at night.

2009-03-10T21:16:00.001+05:30

What have you come to be

2009-02-27T20:09:00.002+05:30

Have you had that feeling

when you wish you were gone

far away on the fluffy cloud

Have you had the want

to meet acceptance

draped in undress

have you had the need

to make love with destiny

on the golden chariots of fate

to run, to laugh, to riot

usher in the rush of the first joint

to rest, to sleep, to weep

tears surging on the first heartbreak

to leap, to dance, to live

far from what you have come to be

another sunset awaits you

2009-02-12T19:59:00.000+05:30

what you seek, doesn’t exist

why then the quest

go back and lie down now

stop searching the horizon

like a man possessed

why let the ghosts haunt

they are but ghosts

why feel sad and hurt

it was written all over from start

another day another place

another sunset awaits you

keep your wits together till then

walk on and play on till then

whore me a slut

2009-02-11T20:00:00.000+05:30

find me a life

sell me some dreams

call me on my phone

leave a message atleast

push me to a corner

hit me with a club

hit me with a jab

sell me some highs

dope away the lows

sold my body

sell my soul

kill me everyday some more

kick me in the groin

laugh at my puckered face

sell the snapshot of agony

don't leave anything unsold

cash me in, cash me out

sell them the deepest desires

sell the sacred earth a dime

make all you can till I die

cut my veins and let me bleed

cut me to pieces and sell the pork

dry my hide and sell some more

whore me a slut

whore me now

whore me love, whore me passion

whore me instant gratification

whore me death and the world beyond

we are all whores, pimp me now.

Needs

2009-02-11T18:42:00.001+05:30

I need to get out, I really need to get out of this god forsaken place. I need to go run on a beach, I need to go climb a mountain, I need to drive on a scenic road, I need to get lost. And all this seems like a fantasy as of now. I don’t want love, I don’t want people around me. But am I being truthful. I am love sick, and I crave for company. But I want to get to a point where I don’t need love nor people around me. I need to find happiness in myself. I need to love myself. I need to forget the nightmares of my life and remember the beautiful dreams and imagine myself in those dreams.

I need to eat good food, I need to have my breakfast daily, I need to eat healthy, but what do I do when each morning getting out of bed itself is the biggest fight of the day.

I am stressed out and nothing I do seems to help. Yet I carry on and keep piling on more stress.

People who see me don’t see the frayed nerves. People who meet me don’t meet the scared me. People who love me don’t touch my soul. People who despise me don’t know that I loathe myself. People whom I make laugh don’t see the tears I weep, people who see the passion in me don’t see the cynic smirk. I am a ball of contentions, always bubbling with contradictions and acceptance is all I sought. Acceptance is not mine though. I need to accept myself first, I need to sleep with myself first.

I need to sleep a long deep sleep, I need to pass on I guess.

Guess who's back

2009-02-04T13:08:00.003+05:30

Udane ko toon azaad hai

bandhan koi ab hai kahan

toon dhoop hai cham se bikhar

toon hai nadi aie bekhabar

ud chal kahin, beh chal kahin

dil khush jahan

teri to manzil hai wahin

Lyrics of one of my favourite song, and it captures my mood so aptly. It has been long that I have not really written on this blog. But now I am back and I promise myself to write.

Each society that calls itself civilized has an official period of mourning, the purpose of this time is to act as a disconnect between two disjoint worlds. People mourn out of respect, out of guilt, out of love. But for all it serves the same purpose, to pay the price for being free by punishing oneself. Yes I mean it, human mind is really crazy, crazy enough to do this :-)

Anyway I was in no mourning, I have learned to move on very quickly. I lived through this hiatus, just so nothing is read between the lines for what I say.

Nothing I write reflects on anything of consequence anymore :-)

This blog truly returns to its roots. After all it is a blog about Nothing...

2009-01-27T12:43:00.001+05:30

It pains to see another one fall

it pains to see them bow down

It doesn't hurt much though

in time pain will be gone too

and I will watch detached

the cut down trunks

the uprooted remains

the wilted blossoms

Each time I see another fall

willed, I become all the more

I will survive.

I will survive

Dream on

2009-01-03T11:26:00.004+05:30

Some dreams unleash fury

giving life to ghosts

egging them on to haunt

some dreams are just dead

no ghosts can be roused here

they are buried and shall remain so

some dreams give hope

elusive, gentle, hope

no guarantees for hope

all dreams are yearnings though

remembrances of soul

and no, day dreams don't qualify

Amazing shades of green

2009-01-01T16:39:00.001+05:30

Came across this green barked tree. Pretty captive photo.

Monday morning choc-a-bloc

2008-12-22T11:27:00.001+05:30

Sunday brunch

2008-12-14T13:49:00.001+05:30

Long island ice tea to compliment Sunday brunch

Sunset or sunrise !

2008-12-13T18:59:00.000+05:30

Don't remember which one was it.

Multiple aircrafts in air

2008-12-13T18:56:00.001+05:30

Love the jet streak the other aircraft makes.

Colors of fall

2008-12-13T18:52:00.001+05:30

Sign at basement...

2008-12-10T19:16:00.000+05:30

And I thought we had figures out queen's language in India

Johnny walker

2008-12-06T22:31:00.002+05:30

transient is the word

am niether here nor there

don't feel this nor that

not cold not warm

traversing through the spectrum

and yet not latching on

bygones are bygones

learning to look forward

nothing to look back at

caught in between dusk and twilight

waiting for night to arrive and soothe

the mess I created for myself

was of no consequence

people I revered

don't deserve a mention

past well buried

doesn't haunt anymore

present far from content

but not sad

I walk on, again

learning my lessons well

Mumbai Burning

2008-11-28T12:45:00.002+05:30

If hitting the psyche was the purpose, they have succeeded. I for one am shaken, and badly at that. South Mumbai is one place I have always loved. I remember walking trhough the fort area where my dad used to work, marvelling at the vibrant city around me. Nariman point - the end of mumbai and the most expensive real estate destination. Taj Mahal Hotel - I remember going there for a coffee and some desserts, that is all I could afford, but really wanted to be in Taj. The place was so posh that I promised myself to stay there once sometime.

And to know that all this was targetted brutally, in the most brazen manner. Snap shots of young kids, sneering audaciously, carrying weapons, striking terror into the hearts. These guys relished in killing. People grown on staple of hatred.

No place is safe anymore.

Setting sun in MLCP

2008-10-29T18:49:00.001+05:30

As green as can be

2008-10-28T12:05:00.001+05:30

RMZ Mall at OMR

Play of lights

2008-10-25T21:45:00.003+05:30

Some snaps from the Lounge bar in Onyx, the ambience was superb....

Sunrise in Pondi

2008-10-17T22:29:00.001+05:30

IMG_6940
Originally uploaded by Fotophreak

Dunno why but I loved this snap of mine, perhaps it has something to do with the fact that I am concentrating hard on some setting on my camera.

Has been some time

2008-09-20T10:41:00.002+05:30

Has been a long time since I posted anything in my blog. Have been busy like crazy and life is taking me places I never imagined in my dreams. But like fairy tales,a part of me does believe in happy endings.
It might be dark
But am sure there is light round the corner
It might be melencholy
But am sure there is tinkle of laughter somewhere
It might be lonely
But am sure I will find contentment
All in all I am just living each day as it comes and am thankful for all the busy days I get

Monkey Hives

2008-09-07T18:35:00.001+05:30

Uploaded by www.cellspin.net

Got my lighter working again

2008-09-06T22:54:00.001+05:30

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The spread and Big Boss

2008-09-05T22:34:00.003+05:30

The calls never end

2008-09-05T19:34:00.002+05:30

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Elemental Munnar - III

2008-08-20T13:57:00.001+05:30

Elemental Munnar - II

2008-08-20T13:53:00.001+05:30

Manicured Hills, suspended clouds
calm meadows and streams all around

Elemental Munnar

2008-08-20T13:48:00.001+05:30

Munnar is simply the most beautiful hill station I have seen down south.

The greens are so much more greener and the clouds soak one up

Munnar is elemental when it rains

Drowned

2008-08-19T19:48:00.001+05:30

can hear the rush of water
the change in tempo of sound
as I go down and pop up
they say sound travels faster in water
it sounds very different though
I am drowning I know for sure

I drink some water
my sinuses hurt
have a stinging pain in my head
and am getting choked
the rush to stay afloat
kicking my legs furiously
I am drowning for sure

the water is above my head now
I can see the blue of the sky
I don't hear the screams any more
I seem to be fading away
I don't mind it at all
I have drowned for sure I know

Clean Slate

2008-08-18T14:22:00.001+05:30

I remember wanting to bury my differences a lot of times, as a kid. I would fight with someone I really liked and would want to wipe out all ill will and just be the way we were before. One of the lessons of growing up is that there is no such thing as clean slate.
One cannot make a new beginning, past will never let you free. It will always come to haunt you.

Only way out is recluse, to be a hermit. To embrace solitude and feel complete about it.

God have Mercy

2008-08-13T19:18:00.002+05:30

Came across this couplet, and so loved it that I had to quote it.....

To farishte poochhenge mehshar mein paakbaazon se
Gunah kyoon na kare, kya khuda rahim na tha?

Trust me, the angels will ask the pious on judgement day -
"Why didn’t you sin? Didn’t you trust in God’s mercy?"

2008-07-29T18:33:00.001+05:30

I think I am addicted to Ultracet, the painkiller I have been on for past 6 months, I get withdrawal symptoms if I don't have 2 tablets a day. But anyway I cannot live without it, because the pain is simply unbearable most of the times.

Slivers of despair

2008-07-21T21:26:00.000+05:30

slivers of despair
scattered till horizon
isles of hope
invisible they are though
coarse sand of times
slowing the stride
wearing down life

Sooner or later

2008-07-21T17:17:00.003+05:30

Will I always debate the futility of it all
or will the realization dawn on me somehow
I cannot contemplate for ever
something that is of no consequence what so ever
I need to shut off the lights
and go on towards the dark
shut off the brain and embrace oblivion
shun the life and make love to death
sooner or later, sooner why not

Good bye

2008-07-20T21:45:00.002+05:30

Terse is not the name
for the note I got
distant, frail, tired is more like it
weeding out the past
to make a new beginning perhaps
a good bye I deserve though
or so I seem to believe

4th of July

2008-07-04T10:14:00.002+05:30

Has been seven years since I started working, seven years since I moved out of college, seven years in which I saw life in its raw form, seven years that finally made me grow up and be myself.

2008-07-03T09:23:00.002+05:30

perched precariously at crossroads
mind has decided the outcome of this one
heart is with mind on this one
have to take a step at a time
and fall towards the elixir called life
am excited and am nervous
am scared too, but am not afraid
pangs of mortals touch me now and then
I feel like a monolith, caught up in a storm
little do I care for the gusty winds
I know they will pass

conversation

2008-06-29T22:07:00.001+05:30

i dunno am sort of depressed today

need for a simulating conversation is what I feel

or perhaps a quiet company

transitions are always tricky

they have their way of eating into you

nothing is decided, dunno where one is headed

but then the irony is that life it self is transitional in nature

sometimes I think I obsess too much about life

about birth, death and the goriness of existence in between

why don't other people do it

I see people blissfully unaware of all this

living life, planning for eons, for generations to come

people caught up is stupid trivialities of small issues

like what did the neighbor say, how did the relatives behave

trying to read between lines for each and everything

trying very hard to find meaning in a meaningless world

and they don't even know that they exist

they take that for granted

there is no effort to experience life

and then there are some, who are absolutely driven to succeed

what do they gain

I fail to understand this breed

running after money, though money is awesome to have

but still running madly in a race to make money

studying hard for exams

aiming for jobs

the more I try not to be part of this rat race

the more I get sucked in

I am learning to accept it, and not get upset over the fact that I seem to be losing out on some cheese, as I refuse to run like a hamster in a cage

sometimes I get upset and as soon as I realize what I am getting upset over I forgive myself :-) and move on

what a shit hole

how can anyone be happy

I wish I was like them, sometimes

but most of the times I wish they were all like me :-D

2008-06-20T19:21:00.000+05:30

Slog Slog Slog...
and you know what, I am loving it...... :-)

pleasurably sinful

2008-06-14T00:57:00.003+05:30

The poison of thoughts drinks me again
the wrath of individuality eats me up
smiles my heart though at all this
for I know am alive for sure
feel bliss each moment as it passes
relish each fragrance of passing season
joyful is each escapade I undertake
pleasurably sinful is life of mine

2008-06-04T15:51:00.002+05:30

farewell o kid, for you are grown up now
no longer the carefree one,
no fight and make up anymore
innocence and faith will kill you here
learn malice and a crude tongue
utopia is a dream, let it be one
disturbia is the norm, embrace it now
love doesn't last, human spirit is a myth
what loss do you feel
what gain did you see
lost souls meet at a transit point
chaos rules and engulfs all
nothing you do would stop the change

Hope

2008-06-03T13:42:00.003+05:30

dark is the shadow that fell
dark is the alley in which the shot rang
deep is the abyss in which he fell
no echo to be heard of his scream
no reverberations from the hard fall
no body suits, no white chalk marks
his face seems of ivory in moonlight
his blood soaked body, ebony
dead as one could be in death
he still longs for the sight to behold
dead as one is in death
he still hopes for the pair of hands
to wash him up
the pair of eyes to cry over him
dead as one is in death
he longs to be mourned
his head pressed against the bosom
and the arms to lay him to rest

streak of silver

2008-06-01T17:33:00.002+05:30

Another evening with hues of red
merging into blue, blue morphing into grey,
Grey turning black marred with tiny specks of silver
I sit and watch this metamorphosis
my eyes lusting for a streak of silver
a falling star
want to wish my fortune on it
they say these wishes come true
a speck of dust, rushing to meet a mass of dirt
burnt before it can reach its destiny
a bright end to a splendid rush

Wheels are in motion again

2008-05-21T11:17:00.002+05:30

Wheels are in motion again
clank clank
the gypsy in me is packing up
unsettling the settled
starting afresh
no want for hope
no desire for sorrow
subdued is the word
put my books in a box
pack my clothes in another
pangs of anxiety
flashes of excitement
charting a new way
away from all I know as real
gloom over loss
inertness over gain
the wheels are in motion again
clank clank

What lies on the other end, I know not
unable to figure the allure, yet I walk on
live recklessly die young, shall I ?
or confirm I will, one day of my life ?

2008-04-24T15:47:00.000+05:30

Searching for a mirage
People tell him it is long gone
They have not seen her for ages
He keeps looking though
Unable to cull his hope
Arrives at the cave of the goddess
Has to squeeze in with great pain
The goddess does smile on him
The one he desires is close
Frantically he searches
Finds her hiding her face
She is much younger than he expected
Very frail too
They become one into a spider
And weave a strong web
Symbiotically woven into each other
And he is at peace
He wakes up from dream
Reality stings him into submission
The web torn and tattered
Symbiotic parasites
Feeding off each other
Till nothing is left of them
Then they pass each other as strangers

2008-03-10T16:32:00.000+05:30

Need to cry overwhelms me now,
Nothing around me seems right.
I am sleep walking through everything,
will I ever wake up
Nothing to guide me
nothing to hold me back
I am at high seas
and don't know which way is land
should I set sail
or should I drop the anchor
hey but my anchor is lost too
some old memories occupy my mind
the future as I had seen it long time back
that future is so far gone
I cannot even imagine to fit it in
I have a blank slate in front of me
and I am too scared to draw anymore

Jee le Ishq main

2008-03-07T22:30:00.002+05:30

I have been going crazy over this song :-) U me aur Hum, Jee le. I just hope the movie is as good as the music :-)

Jinko jinko bhi, milna hai likha, Ishq milaayega
Door door se, dhoond dhoond ke, paas le aayega
kahin bhi jaa ke chupo, ishq wahin aayega
kitna bhi na na karo, utha ke le jaayega
mano ya na mano, ye sari hi duniya,
is hi ke dam pe chale, jee le jee le ishq main
marna hai to a mar bhi le ishq main

Everybody Hurts

2008-02-23T12:06:00.001+05:30

I love REM, I mean I don't know why I didn't listen too often to them before. And this song never ceases to move me.

I find myself .. in everyone

2008-02-10T12:15:00.000+05:30

I find it so true to myself, this is the cause of half my troubles :-)
and finally someone pointed it out point blank, and I was stumped, couldn't help but post it.

"u find urself ... in everyone"

A Quote to remember

2008-02-01T11:13:00.000+05:30

Some quotes make the day.
This one did it for me today :-)

On orkut profile, under "From my past relationships I learnt" => My life has been filled with terrible relationships; most of which never happened.

Thanks E.S. for beautiful quote

Gods that fell

2008-01-22T14:01:00.000+05:30

pangs of loneliness
unholiness of worship
fallen gods becoming idols
idolaters seeking redemption
crass waste of endeavor
and yet it seems like yesterday
the silence is deafening
where once stood the revered
now stands a debauched figurine
some folks visit to see the lost glory
but all that is lost cannot be stated
it is gone like a puff of smoke
it is lost in the sands of time

Carrying on

2008-01-20T16:05:00.001+05:30

Annual flower show is on at lalBagh, Bangalore's Botanical Garden, and I have promised myself to go visit at any cost. I was not able to make it this weekend though. I can give excuses, but the truth is that I get tired so easily now a days that there is nothing much I can do except for sleep and office.
I have to gather myself somehow and fight back, fight this Fibromyalgia and do what I want to do. All the plans of shooting short films have been put on hold, I have been doing some photography, but again my subjects are limited to what I can get hold of nearby. Travel has come to a stand still, last trip to Murudeshwar was a bit too taxing on my health. I had to take 3 days off from work to recover from the bout of immobility.
Headaches have become part and parcel and they have their own disabling effect.
But I am not going to give up that easy, I have to fight :-)
The problem is that I somehow wish it will go away and I will be magically cured. But I guess that will not happen.

2008-01-20T12:55:00.002+05:30

my head is heavy
with thoughts of what could be
and what is not
I toil hard to get up
from the cozy confine of my bed
I can do with a dose of inspiration
I can do with a joint

A Blog about Nothing

2008-01-12T22:42:00.000+05:30

I sit down to blog, to write something, the want to have something to day, something to share with the unknown readers, (who more often than not, never turn up) is overwhelming. I search my mind, all its depth, for something to write about, and I measure up the shallowness, because nothing comes up, nothing, Zilch.
I wonder if it is writer's block, then I ponder, am I a writer at all. Yes it is true that I have written a lot of poetry, some of it is beautiful, some of it is bearable, but all of it is very personal. I guess with poetry it has to be personal, and only someone going through the pain will ever understand the depth of thoughts the moment pen goes wild and words get a life of their own and poetry flows as if it was blood in my veins. None of the poems posted here were laboured over. all of them were written in a flow. So I guess I have a way with the words.
Should I write about the current issues? I don't feel up to it. the circus all around me is too self absorbed to serve any purpose writing about it.
So I can write about my passion, photography and music and movies and ideas I get for my movies. Nope. I like playing with them in my mind, the written medium kills the exuberance they have in my mind.
so what do I write about?
Nothing.....
that is what I have done in this post. I have written about Nothing.
And yes this was the original title of the blog.....
A Blog about Nothing.

Fibromyalgia

2008-01-09T15:41:00.000+05:30

So I have Fibromyalgia, this is the latest diagnosis after a torrent of tests in last few days. Nothing came out positive, and yet the pain exists and is more disabling than ever.
Finally read about it here and it is a point by point description of all I have been through.
Phew at least now I know what I am suffering from.

Why am I sick

2008-01-04T10:49:00.000+05:30

Somedays I feel like climbing to the top of a hill and screaming my lungs out, screaming about how I feel, how I hate being sick, how I am tired of trying to be good, how I hate myself.
Just then a voice inside my head says "Leave it man, who will do the hike"

I am sure there is a pattern here, my only problem I am not able to see it.
I am sure some good is coming out of me being perennially sick, but am not sure what is it.

Tomorrow I go to the doc again, and all he will say is that "there seems to be some infection, somewhere"
I am allergic to something, it might be Bangalore I guess.

2008-01-03T11:30:00.001+05:30

subdued mind, trying to seek patterns
in the chaos that surrounds it
colorful pyramids of light
playing the cosmic music in abundance
they dance and they light up some insight
and then they vanish without a trace
the constant throbbing at temples
involuntary breathing and pain from severed nerves
eyes with grainy vision
an itch where I cannot reach and scratch
an itch where it hurts the most

Appetite for crying

2007-12-27T11:47:00.000+05:30

While commuting to office and back I hope there would be lots and lots of traffic on Bangalore roads, so that I can get more time to turn up the volume and listen to songs from TZP [Taare Zameen Par], and cry my heart out, in the privacy of my car, sunglasses shielding my eyes :-)
Have been doing this since Sunday, and I can't seem to stop the tears each time I listen to the music.
Kholo Kholo, Mera Jahan, Maa and Jame Raho, these are my favourites form the soundtrack and I have not gotten tired of listening to them again and again.

Another Sunset

2007-12-27T01:25:00.000+05:30

Kholo Kholo - Taare Zameen Par

2007-12-24T14:30:00.001+05:30

Kholo Kholo Darwaze
Parde Karo Kinare
Khuntey Se Bandhi Hai Hawa
Mil Ke Chhudao Saare

Aajao Patang Leke
Apney Hi Rang Leke
Aasmaan Ka Shamiyana
Aaj Hamein Hai Sajana

Kyun Is Kadar Hairaan Tu
Mausam Ka Hai Mehmaan Tu
O, Duniya Sajee Tere Liye
Khud Ko Zara Pehchaan Tu

Tu Dhoop Hain Cham Se Bikhar
Tu Hai Nadee O Bekhabar
Beh Chal Kahin Ud Chal Kahin
Dil Khush Jahan Teri Toh Manzil Hai Wahin

O, Kyun Is Kadar Hairaan Tu
Mausam Ka Hai Mehmaan Tu

Baasi Zindagi Udaasi
Taazi Hasney Ko Raazi
Garma Garma Saari
Abhi Abhi Hai Utaari

O, Zindagi To Hain Patasha
Meethi Meethi Si Hai Aasha
Chakh Le Rakh Le
Hatheli Se Dhak Le Ise

Tujh Mein Agar Pyaas Hai
Baarish Ka Ghar Bhi Pass Hai
O, Roke Tujhe Koi Kyon Bhala
Sang Sang Tere Aakash Hai

Tu Dhoop Hain Cham Se Bikhar
Tu Hai Nadee O Bekhabar
Beh Chal Kahin Ud Chal Kahin
Dil Khush Jahan Teri Toh Manzil Hai Wahin

Khul Gaya Aasmaan Ka Rasta Dekho Khul Gaya
Mil Gaya Kho Gaya Tha Jo Sitara Mil Gaya, Mil Gaya

O, Roshan Hui Saari Zameen
Jagmag Hua Saara Jahaan
Udne Ko Tu Azad Hai
Bandhan Koi Abh Hai Kahan

Tu Dhoop Hain Cham Se Bikhar
Tu Hai Nadee O Bekhabar
Beh Chal Kahin Ud Chal Kahin
Dil Khush Jahan Teri Toh Manzil Hai Wahin

O, Kyun Is Kadar Hairaan Tu
Mausam Ka Hai Mehmaan Tu

Taare Zameen Par

2007-12-23T15:54:00.001+05:30

If you are going to watch just one Hindi movie this year, let this be your choice and trust me you won't come out disappointed. A Brilliant film, that put all my apprehensions about Amir Khan's directorial debut to rest from the very first frame, and it never ever slipped, not even once.
Mera to saara childhood hi revise ho gaya. I was absolutely high strung after watching the movie and still am after having slept over it. It is not a sad film, it is an overwhelming experience.
It was amazing to watch what I have always believed in, being played on screen,
and all I could do was wish that a character like Nikumbh Sir would have been part of my life.
Each and every moment in the movie is worth cherishing. the antics of eshaan, his insecurities his fears. This is not a film about dyslexia, This is a movie about childhood and all the fantastic voyages we all took back then.
If you want to know just how vulnerable a child can get, get off your ass and go watch this movie.

And the music is simply superb. I know I am running out of superlatives, but this movie deserves that.

The Bad Touch

2007-12-15T16:39:00.000+05:30

Love the lyrics of this song, have been humming it ever since I heard it.

Jaadu

2007-12-13T17:58:00.000+05:30

Some songs have their way of bringing in a distant setting so alive that you cannot help but get immersed in it. I have a sort of love/hate relationship with this song......
Trust me these guys have done wonders to it. :-)
Click on the Gold Play button to listen

Raagapella – Jaadu Teri Nazar

Still on Nat geo

2007-12-10T21:52:00.000+05:30

To all the guys who think that they are perverts or over-obsessed with sex {which we all are}, relax. We are far better than males of a particular species, who are literally on a suicide mission to get laid.
yes I am talking about black widow spider.

Mating Dance

2007-12-10T21:48:00.000+05:30

Ever watched Nat Geo, when they play those animal kingdom mate stories? Well I did and had a blinding flash of an insight.
Males of all species participate in a primal ritual labeled "mating dance" to woo the female of the species. They go to great lengths and odds to stand out as the best mate a female can get.
We as humans, are supposed to be intelligent, but just look at us, we have the most complex mating dance of all times.
It is called Marriage.

Trainspotting

2007-12-10T21:39:00.000+05:30

I so loved this that I had to post it.
This sums up everything one can do in ones mediocre life....

2007-12-08T23:05:00.001+05:30

shared intimacies and a lonesome whisper
love that blooms and withers on cue
where no one is just your own
every moment shared with a select few
all travellers converge at one port
no one owns it, no one can claim to
his was a journey so defiant
he crossed the desert to arrive
another one swam across oceans
yet another bled his heart out
all converge at the mecca of their calling
and pray for the boons to be bestowed
It was long ago, but still it seems fresh
the blood is still hot as it was in veins
imagination riots in unimaginable directions
each one reason for his own misery
like the strings plucked in harmony
they weep the music of their souls
no other tribute will do
no other sacrifice will register

This is hilarious

2007-12-06T12:50:00.001+05:30

Pain is all mine

2007-11-25T10:07:00.000+05:30

Open the door and usher in some light
watch the dismal darkness fade away
question your sorrow, your beliefs
ponder what was good, forget the bad
bury the visions that haunt you
they are but ghosts of time gone by
no one to speak to, nothign to speak about
all that ails me is in my head
a smoke filled room, where I cannot breath
a lost love that I can't feel
blind to plight of people around me
I walk like the ghost of my dreams
obsessed with self and all that i desire
time heals all and time is my recluse
but till that happens, pain is all mine

Nightmares

2007-11-25T09:45:00.000+05:30

Dreams, they strike again
or should i call them nightmares
themes beyond comprehension
days spent deliberating the subconscious
relationships of hate and betrayal
and yet they hurt so much
as the days go by
and the dust starts to settle
there is just devastation to be seen
as far as one could see

Winter is setting in

2007-11-20T12:34:00.000+05:30

did you see the leaves fall
the clutter on the roads
all the shades of brown and yellow

the winter would be long this year

I don't dread the cold
nor do I fear the depressing mornings
brooding afternoons are welcome
as are restless evenings
but there is no spring in offing
no promise of summer as far as i can see

the winter would be long this time around

the chill is setting in my bones
my heart has gone all but cold
some times there is a flutter at the core
but thaw is no more in sight
the clots are beginning to form
the hurt oozes out of wounds still
each passing day is endearing
each morbid thought welcome
the hush after the rush
the summer that lasted a bit too long

the winter promises to last a long time too

Weekend getaway

2007-11-19T16:05:00.000+05:30